PASTORING AND RAISING CHILDREN

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THE PASTOR’S FAMILY

 

childrenBy Ken Blue

“A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; 3 Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; 4 One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) 6 Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil. 7 Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.” 1 Timothy 3:2-7.

Listed below are several qualifications required of the pastor. One should read the above text and note how many of these he can find.

Some qualifications for pastors are:
1. Blameless in conduct.
2. Husband of one wife.
3. Vigilant.
4. Sober. Self-controlled; temperate.
5. Of good behavior.
6. Given to hospitality.
7. Apt to teach.
8. Not given to wine.
9. No striker. Not quarrelsome; one not ready to strike back at those who displease him; no persecutor of those who differ with him.
10. Not greedy of filthy lucre. Not desirous of base gain; not using wrong methods to raise money to increase his own income.
11. Patient, meek and gentle.
12. Not a brawler. Not contentious, but quiet and peaceable.
13. Not covetous. Not a lover of money; not desiring the office for the sake of personal gain.
14. Ruler of his own house, not by hardness and tyranny, but with honesty.
15. Not a novice. Not a new convert to the faith.
16. Of a good report from outsiders.

Of the sixteen qualifications listed above, most are ignored except number 2 and 12; these concern the pastor’s family. Verses 4 and 5 should be read again. Notice that the pastors inability to “rule” his household will reveal that he cannot “take care” of church matters. The issue is about one’s ability to take care of his family while they are under his care. It has nothing to do with how spiritual the children are at home or after they leave.

Because some lack understanding of these verses, they have resigned the ministry because of a wayward son or daughter. If this was the intent of the text, the only men who would be pastoring are those without children or who have children that cannot reach the doorknob.

A famous pastor, with an infamous son, wrote a book on How To Rear Children, and another on How To Rear Teenagers. A pastor friend said to me, “When my children are grown and their children all turn out right, I might consider writing such a book. Until then, I will refrain.”

While the pastor’s kids are under his roof, he must set the standards, the rules, and the example for them. Rules must be fair, and they must be enforced. This does not guarantee that your children will comply when they are out of your sight or when they leave home.

[pullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]One obstacle facing the pastor’s children and wife are church members who hold them to a higher standard than others.[/pullquote]

One of the obstacles facing the pastor’s children and wife are church members who hold them to a higher standard than they do themselves or others. Many times the children will be shamed or scolded by a youth worker or a Sunday School teacher. This sets the children up to dislike church people and the ministry.

When teachers and youth workers verbally abuse your children, you must personally confront them, and let them know that it will stop immediately. Tell them that if your child needs correcting or discipline, they are to come to you, and you will deal with the matter. Not until my children were grown, did I learn from them about the verbal abuse inflicted by some teachers and workers.

My advice is that the pastor refrains from using his children as examples from the pulpit. This turns the spotlight of criticism on them. Wait until your children are grown before bragging on them publically.

Remember, if you keep putting your children or your wife in the limelight, you are creating an atmosphere for them to be criticized. The more public exposure they get, the more the faultfinding and the gossip will fly. Let your wife be your wife; not the assistant pastor. Let your children be children, and don’t expect or demand they be models of angelic creatures.

Someone has said, “Your family is your best résumé.” The pastor, who thinks that to be true, either doesn’t have children, or his children are still in elementary school. The above text is not discussing how good your children are, but rather your ability to keep them in subjection while they are under your roof.

I know pastors who fail 15 of the 16 qualifications above, yet they have good kids. I also know good, dedicated men whose children are a disgrace to the human race. Two things are in play which you have no control over. One, every child has a free will; the other is the grace of God.

I heard a pastor make, what I believe, is a correct statement about human nature. He said, “You can’t give anyone spirituality, wisdom or character. All you can give is example and information.” May God enable us to give the best example and information possible, and then pray that God will use our children for His glory, and protect them from self-righteous church members who love to make public examples of the preacher’s kids. However, if you can’t handle a six year old, you will have trouble “taking care” of the church of God.

SHAME, SHAME

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By Ken Blue

“Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.” Mark 8:38.

The above verse should be read in its entire context to get the correct interpretation. Many pastors, in their zeal and effort to get sinners “down the aisle,” have quoted it, suggesting that failure to publicly come to the “altar” proves one is ashamed and that he is not saved.

This is a travesty, and it is the pastor who should be ashamed. Why not go all the way and tell the sinner if he is ashamed to get baptized, join the church, start tithing, go soul-winning, and stop smoking, the Lord will be ashamed of him and deny him heaven?

The context is not talking about heaven, the church, or the rapture. Nor does it have anything to do with a particular public profession of salvation. The entire text has to do with Jews acknowledging that Jesus is the Christ and demonstrating it, even unto death. Also, the text calls Jesus “the Son of man.” This is a title concerning His reign on earth as Israel’s Messiah. He is never called Son of man in any of the church epistles.

Notice also, it is not the rapture of the church mentioned here, but the Second Advent, following the Tribulation. Most of the Jews, who acknowledge Jesus as their Messiah, will be required to physically lay down their life in the coming Tribulation, if they hope to be resurrected and enter the Kingdom.

There is nothing the sinner must do or can do today to be saved. It has all been done for him! By faith in the finished work of Christ, he is made acceptable in the Beloved. It is not predicated on whether he is ashamed or not. There is no aisle one must walk, no profession one must make, and no church one must join, nor is there a set time one must make a public profession.

Finally, let me ask you, have you ever been ashamed to speak up for Jesus? Aren’t there situations right now, where you are ashamed to speak for Him? Do you think He is going be ashamed of you at His coming? Peter denied the Lord three times! Do you think Jesus will be ashamed of him? If we can’t understand the verse in its context, it is best we leave it alone. Why abuse a verse which was never intended to feed our ego? It is the pastor who uses it to goad people who ought to be ashamed.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THOSE BAPTIST

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By Ken Blue

On the lighter side

An outlaw was pulling of a train robbery. He went from passenger to passenger demanding they put their money and jewelry in the bag. He came to one passenger who said, “Oh, sir, please don’t take my money, I’m just a poor Baptist preacher.” The outlaw stuck out his hand to shake and said, “Put ‘er there partner, I’m a Baptist myself.”

*Baptist Cowboy*

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,“ he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

HOW TO GET OVER HURTS AND BITTERNESS

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HOW TO KEEP GRIEF FROM TURNING INTO BITTERNESS

bitternessBy Ken Blue

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32.

“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,” Philippians 3:13.

The cruelty perpetrated on many is unimaginable and indefensible. The rejection, the abuse, and the damage inflicted, many times, leave the victims scared mentally, emotionally, and physically for life. We make no excuse for the guilty, and we extend love and compassion to those who are hurting and are wounded. If it were possible to undo the wickedness, we would be among the first to make it happen.

But, since it is impossible to undo what has happened to any of us; we have two options. We can spend the remainder of our lives in bitterness and self-pity, or we can allow God to heal us and teach us how to forgive and live again.

[perfectpullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]Counseling must come from one who can replace the bitterness and loneliness with forgiveness and the love of God[/perfectpullquote]

This world is full of women who have been abused and forsaken by wicked husbands. Millions of little boys and girls are violated daily. Unfaithful wives or husbands have broken the hearts of the innocent and left the little children in confusion and despair because of a divorce. Some of you may be the victims of a violent crime, or lost a loved one in a crime. There are no words to describe the pain, loneliness and bitterness felt when a son or daughter is lost in battle. The grief is real and truly must have time to heal.

Sometime counseling may be necessary to assist us through the hurts and bitterness we are dealing with. But, counseling must come from one who can replace the bitterness and loneliness with forgiveness and the love of God; if we are to experience lasting improvement and be set free by God’s grace.

Sad to say, many times the victim remains a victim the rest of his or her life, long after the guilty have paid for their crime; if they pay at all. Regardless, you must allow the healing cycle to proceed. In addition, you must seek family or friends who love you and can lead you toward real and lasting freedom.

[perfectpullquote align=”left” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]You must seek family or friends who love you and can lead you toward real and lasting freedom.[/perfectpullquote]

The more you get to know the love and the personal forgiveness of God, the more freedom you will experience. Remember, the ability to forget is one thing; the ability to forgive is quite another. For your own sake and the sake of others, if you are to get over the hurts and bitterness of life, you must move forward to the place where you can let God remove it.

I have not walked in your shoes or experienced your loss, but my heart goes out to you. One thing I have found that helps me with my hurts and bitterness is to replace the past with God’s Word and promises. In addition, praying for the ability to forgive others and asking God to remove the bitterness helps me to get over it; it will help you too.

DEALING WITH PROBLEM IN YOUR CHURCH

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HOW TO DEAL WITH PROBLEM PEOPLE

PROBLEM

By Ken Blue

Every man appointed to the ministry is called to help people with their problems. You will encounter some people who cannot, or will not, accept any help from you. If the pastor takes note of the problems, he will find that all complaints are in a few categories. These will be about your leadership style, church policies and procedures, the budget, the doctrines you teach and your family. The good news is; most of the people in your church will never be a problem to you. In fact, they will be a blessing. So don’t spend all your time and attention on a few ornery souls.

The pastor must pray before acting or reacting to problems. In some cases it is wise to seek counsel from others. Some problems heal themselves; others are like a cancer and must be cut out. You need wisdom to know the difference. A wrong response can cause more trouble than the problem itself.

Most problems come from those closest to you. Some will come from a staff member or his unhappy wife. The church secretary or treasure can cause you grief. Deacons and their wives can be a problem. Also, an older pastor or missionary, who failed in the ministry, may be jealous and cause you misery.

The key to keeping discontent at a minimum with staff is to love them and spend time with them. See that their monetary needs are met, and acknowledge their children and their parents. Keep the channels of communication open by listening to their needs and concerns. You are their pastor also. It is best to hire people from within your church if possible.

The pastor must not be a bully or a lord over God’s people. He is their servant and must be of a humble spirit. But, humility does not mean weakness. There will be people who will challenge you and seek to intimidate you. Don’t show fear or weakness. They will not respect you. Rather, it will embolden the adversaries. You are the leader and must know where you want the church to go and how to get it there. When under attack, kindly, but firmly let the person know that God has put you as the leader of the church, and you believe your decision is His will. If he or she is not willing to follow your leadership, they need to seek a church where they will be happy.

[perfectpullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]Some people will attack your policies, procedures, and doctrines. If he or she is not willing to follow your leadership, they need to seek a church where they will be happy.[/perfectpullquote]

Some people will attack your policies, procedures, and doctrines. One solution to this is a new member’s class for all prospective members. These matters are covered in detail in that class. Have each new member sign the covenant before they join.

Not all complaints are from problem people. There are legitimate concerns and needs that must be addressed. It is your job to see that those needs are met. Be quick to help people with their ministry needs.

There will be some who will want to start private Bible studies in their home without your knowledge or consent. Meet with the leader and let him or her know all such meeting must be structured and monitored by the church leadership. One way to curb this is to start small group meetings in different homes. These can be supervised by a staff member and the materials can be provided by the church.

In time, entrepreneurial people will come to your church seeking new prospects. These will range from insurance salesmen to the Tupperware gang. I have no problem with any of these vocations, but those who merchandise church members must be confronted, and their fleecing of the sheep must be brought to a stop.

Many problem people have frustrated ambition. They want to be something or do something, and you are standing in their way. If you can find the problem and help, good; if not, ship them. Others are envious and want more attention. Also, watch people who cry easily. These people usually have anger issues and are explosive.

Someone has said small frogs look big in small ponds. Rather than killing the frogs, make the pond bigger. This is done by building your church attendance and membership. Seek young families and build with them.

Remember, not even the Lord Jesus could resolve all problems or satisfy all people. So, when dealing with any issue, begin with prayer for wisdom, seek counsel, and then move forward with your best judgment. That is the best you can do. Some will comply, others will leave. That is the way it is. You will learn along the way.

An important note: Stay positive in the pulpit and when talking with others. Magnify the blessings and goodness of God and minimize the negative. This will encourage your people and keep the trouble makers off balance.